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05.07.00 so the design is done... a lot sooner than i expected, but that's a good thing. on to more important issues.... i'm going home [whatever that may be] in a few days... so this means i probably won't be on my computer for a while which sux but that's life and i'll have my computer back in a month or so, so i'll be fine. it's just that going home will be weird. i don't know exactly how i feel about it right now considering i don't even know where i'm going to be sleeping for sure yet. it's like i can't win. i am leaving a bad situation only to go onto another one. it's not horrible.. i'm going to a much better place then where i am now. when i go home i have to find a job and worry about things like money. i hate money. but i need it to survive, which sux. i don't know where exactly i'm going to be living next year [and coming years] which scares me, but corrie and her parents seem to have things under wraps, so i'm not all too concerned at the moment. and my car is getting worse and worse, so i think i just need to stop driving or something which is going to be a hard thing to do if i need to get a job. getting a job troubles me cuz i have practically no experience in anything non-art related.. but i think i can get something. i just can't wait until corrie and i get our place together so i can settle down in one place and not have to worry about moving back and forth for a while and i can be in a place where i feel comfortable and don't have to deal with stupid shit. so now that the skool year is over [well, i still have to finish a paper and turn it in tom'w] i can relax and not worry about doing skool work, which is such a pain sometimes, but next semester will be fun cuz i know i will like doing my work [for the most part at least]. i just don't know what the summer has in store for me... hopefully it will be a good one and not go by too quickly cuz every year they seem to go by faster and faster and the years just get blurred. i'm not scared, i'm not thrilled either.. i'm just taking it one day at a time and having faith in the next. but overall i'd say i'm in good shape, things could be a lot worse and i'm thankful for what i have. my friends most of all. without them i think i'd be dead. family is good too, but i feel i've move away from them and i'm in a different place that they don't quite understand. i still love them to death tho.. they are family after all. but it's my friends that keep me going. so, this is all for my last entry for a lil while... i love you all... a big *mwah* >> peace.love.unity.respect >> if you can ride the backlash there's still time for a comeback you don't have to lay down and die 04.23.00 update on site progress.... it's actually going a lot faster then i had anticipated and it looks like i might get it up within the next month or so... i'm shooting for early may, but i can never tell on these things. as for me personally, i'm at a new point in life, and i'm just utterly confused right now i think. i've been wound up too tight and i think if one more thing would have hit me i would have blown. but i'm okay now. i'm just in a weird place. i have no way else to describe it then the fact that i've just been over worked, over emotioned, and over loaded with shit. so right now i'm kind of in a daze. i think i've put a hold on so many of my feelings and emotions [unconsciously] so i don't go crazy right now. i just don't feel much at the moment other then being dazed and sorta lost. not to say i have no emotions. i still feel. i just can't feel so much anymore because i just can't take much anymore. i'm just kinda counting down til the end of the skool year right now. waiting for things to change. waiting for my life to change. waiting for any change. 04.09.00 yeah, so i'm redesigning like i said i would. it won't be done for like months or something, so don't expect anything anytime soon :P this is the part when i start feeling worthless and useless. i dont know why. i wish i did because then i think i would be able to make myself feel better and i'm sick and tired of feeling like shit about myself. i'm sick of it. and you'd think i might be able to get over myself, but i can't... i feel fake, i feel like an imposter and everyone knows it. i feel them looking at me like i'm a disease. i'm a nobody. i'm invisible. i don't exist. but i'm not fake. i'm me. who else can i be but me? i am true to myself... so i'm not fake. i am real. at least that's what i think.. but that's not how i feel. maybe i'm just lame or something. whatever. i don't care. 04.01.00 happy april fools to all. yay my b-day is 2weeks from tomorrow. so, the ideas are swarming. and they are not going to leave me alone either. i can just tell. i've had this "artsy" idea in my head for a lil while now as to what i want to do with my personal journal [yeah, that's right, the one that's not open for any other eyes then my own]. i'm not going to explain it cuz it would just confuse anyone that wasn't me. but... that idea gave me an idea for a new design. so once i start my personal journal, it will translate to a new look for my page. and if it comes out they way i want it to, i doubt i will want to redesign my page again [ya, that good]. no, i'm not being vain; i just think that with this new idea... it will take me a looooong time to complete and i won't want to redesign much after that. i want it to be detailed. ok. time for me to take these ideas and plan. 03.30.00 i feel a new beginning is upon me. i dyed my hair and i'm wearing new clothes, but that's not the only reason... as my spring break is coming to an end i feel as though my life is taking a turn for the better. i have a renewed sense of certain things about life in general and i'm happy because of that. i've got my friends, i've got my family, and i've got my sanity. life is looking towards the better. even though i may not have a boyfriend; i'll have one soon enough, so i'm not worried. now if i can only figure out what the hell i'm going to do for my colour project... 03.28.00 okay, yeah, so chris and i are officially just friends. i'm kewl with it and all... i thinking i'm getting better with dealing. besides, i know he's not going anywhere cuz i know he's gonna be a great friend. i'm just a lil upset things didn't turn out the way i would have liked for them too. oh well. that's life and i have a new great friend. which makes me happy too. i guess that's about all there is for me to say about that. i'm going home tonight. blah. maybe i'll get some new clothes out of the deal. we'll see. 03.25.00 my life is a rollercoaster... that's all there is to it. my car was stolen wednesday from chris's house... then thursday chris and i had a very long discussion and i told him things i've never told anyone else. it felt good to let things out to someone who knew where i was coming from. our 'relationship' is still yet to be officially determined. that kinda upset me and was bugging me today, but i think things will turn out for the best. and i have blue to hug when i can't hug chris. that makes me happy. so it's spring break... i have work to do, but i can't really do it quite yet because i don't have the resources i need. oh shucks. it's 1am.i think i need to go vent some more to wonder woman and then get to bed. 03.21.00 "you'll feel very protected and nurtured by someone who knows how to feed your spirit. your need for peace and harmony in your home life and in your love life is first on your list of priorities." so that was/is my horoscope for today... it's so weird how my horoscope can be soooooo right it's just frightening... my home and love lifes are fallng into place, just where i want them to be. ok, so i guess i take back most of what i said the other day... not all, but most, i was just on a guilt trip and then i got better and i am better now. hehe.. yeah, so like my mom is getting married this summer. i'm so excited. it's kinda like that portion of my life is falling into place... and then my love life is falling into place as well. life is good right now. it's pretty damn good all around. 03.19.00 okay, so like i have too much spare time all of a sudden when i should be doing work, but i can't cuz i don't have the resources or equipment at the moment so i can't and i feel like i am wasting my time by sitting around on my ass doing nothing and i can't stand that feeling. i HATE feeling as though i am just wasting time. it is so aggrevating and annoying and is getting on my nerves and i just want to scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay, phew, that's out of my system now, but i'm still upset. life is getting confusing again. thank gawd i only have one more week until spring break cuz my life [aside from skool work] is building up and building up and i think i might break down again soon. i can only take so much before i just snap. i don't think it's one thing in particular, because then i could just fix that and move on... it's a combination of ummmmm... just about EVERYTHING that's going on in my life right now. yeah, so i need this break to just let myself go. and get things straightened out and shit. my god do i let things get out of control or what? ooooooaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmrrrrrrrr *blah* you may have noticed my feelings have changed quite rapidly from my last entry... i think it's just fromt his spare time in which i think too much... i need to stop thinking [too much anyway] cuz i only make myself sad.. oh well... okay, so i'm actually going to write out exactly what is bugging me and then maybe it will help in my venting... and i know i am most likely exagerating on most/all of these issues, but these are my feelings and i'm not going to deny what i feel... and, um, not that anyone reads this [otherwise i probably wouldn't be writing so much out for fear of.. well, ya know.. the truth being out i guess] so, here goes nothing..... subject #1: no home so i feel as tho i am homeless. not literally, but emotionally. i have no home sweet home, home. certainly not here at skool. my roommates are kewl and all, but it's not a home. home in annapolis is no longer there. mother is gone all the time, i have no room, and it's just plain not the same. not to mention mother is moving in with her bf which is totally kewl cuz i like him. i just don't know how that's going to be. at one point they were thinking of moving to idaho. now that'd be fine for them. but i have to live with them over the summer and there is NO way in hell i am moving to idaho. i don't think so! but they are staying in the area they are in now which is good, but i like baltimore and i don't want to leave it now. as silly and weird as this city is, it's the closest thing i have to home now. and i don't want to leave it. but i guess i have no choice on that. the closest thing i had to home was justin's house. when i went there everything just seemed right and i felt good, but he's busy with his own bf and werk and i feel like i'm imposing on him and robyn, so i haven't been there in a while. i miss them, but what can i do .. i guess that's it for #1... subject #2: no friends okay, now i know that's a BIG exageration, but it's just going along with my 'no' theme. i guess what i'm missing is a best friend.. lindsay is in p-burgh, so obviously i don't get to see her often. and all my old friends are great, but they are still in naptown and i don't like naptown and they don't have cars, etc. etc. etc. but i still love them and miss them horribly. my new friends are good too.. like i mentioned justin before and how we just have different schedules and things going on, so i don't see him much [not to mention he lives about an hour away]. but like with the people here at skool.. i just don't know. i mean, i just seem to be spending more and more time alone... not by choice either, just cuz they have their things going on that just don't involve me. i can totally respect that, but it makes me sad. and there are too many break-ups in friendships going on round here to be healthy, so i just don't know about anyone anymore. i know certain people are my friends and all, but i just miss having a best friend, someone i can always depend on and they can depend on me. but i guess that's college.. no art skool... for ya. subject #3: no love okay.. yes i know people love me. but i guess i just don't hear it enough to feel loved. maybe i just have a fucked up sense of what love is, but i like to hear it said to me. i don't like assuming. this also goes along with relationships... okay, so like i am in some sort of 'relationship' at the moment, but i don't know what to call it and neither does he. dating, seeing, whatever. as of now we are "friends with benefits" which is fine and all. i'm just scared that there might be other friends. you can call me selfish, but i don't like sharing my toys. i know that that title was used to not hurt me, but i just don't know what's going on on the other end and call me nosy, but i like to know. so to sum things up... all around... i'm just scared i guess. i don't know where my life is going [in more than one aspect too] and i'm just a wee bit frightened about it. that's life tho i guess. we aren't handed road maps, we have to make them up as we go. and now that i've got the wheel in my own hands and no one is in the car with me. it's getting a lil lonely and scary. i just hope i don't run out of fuel soon. 03.17.00 okay.. so i added new links. yay for powerpuff girls and sanrio!!! woohoo!!! 
i love them... dey is so cute. i'm having fun with my buddy icons... i think i'm going to try to make new ones more often.. ya know.. i'm always keepin' it real. and i am happy... happy happy happy puppy. yay... did i mention i am happy?? i dunno. i think i might have but i'm not sure... I'M HAPPY!!!! 03.16.00 look look look!!! i'm updating and redesigning! yay... i'm sure you care so much, don't you? :P i still have more links to add... and lotsa art to scan/download.. i'll do it over spring break tho.maybe[we'll see] yeah, so i know i only made three entries for the entire winter [okay 2 real ones and 1 fake one] but ya know... sh*t happens... i was away from my computer for a while.. and then when i had it i was too busy with other stuff... like skool and ya know the real world [not the show.der]... well... life is life and it's going, well, um, FAST.... here it is.. i have about a month left of my freshman year in college and it still feels like i'm just away at a summer camp or something. i dunno. call me weird, but things have gone by so quickly and changed so much so fast, it's crazy... eeek! but things are good overall. skool is overwhelming at points, but going well none the less. i'm happy. yay. not so sad... i have things to keep me happy. and spring is here. thank gawd for warm weather and sunny skies and laying on the grass in the sun with a cool breeze.. and my b-day is exactly one month from today. i will be 19. woohoo! hmm... er. ok. i am lame... so, like, i'm on this big jungle kick right now, it's weird, but jungle es bueno ¿sí o no? ¡me gusto aphrodite mucho! yeah yea.. i know i'm queer what can i say?? blah blah blah. more more more. later later later. grrr on you.  i just wanna love more |
the dawning of a new era |